GETTING THE BIRD

I don’t suppose for one minute that many people would think there is anything to laugh about as a result of being blind and there are days when I could definitely agree with them.

When someone’s let their dogs leave messages on the pavement just after I’ve put on my clean shoes for instance, or when another overhanging bush has messed up my fabulous hair do or threatened to rob me of my non-functioning optics but yes – Take it from me it does have its funny side.

Ever wondered why I moved to Roehampton? Well there was nowhere to hide in Colindale after I’d been caught chatting up a sweet machine in my local post office. I went in there every morning and got a fabulous woolf whistle – You know the kind that over fifties like me can only dream of – and the question: “Would you like the present”? Naturally and without thought as to what the present may be, perhaps a trip round Bird Cage Walk or an afternoon at the zoo, I whistled back and wished this cheery bird: “Good Morning”! This went on for months – Every time I popped in for stamps or other things until an innocent minor as opposed to a beguiling Mynah said in a loud and piping voice: “Mummy, why is that blind lady talking to the sweet machine”? My guide dog and I about faced very quickly I can tell you and I said: “What did you say”? Meanwhile the mother was explaining in hushed tones: “shhh! She always does that, every time she comes in here”.

Knowing the child would be the only one to explain things properly I said: “Tell me about this machine then because I thought it was a bird”. The little soul explained that this was a machine which invites children to part with their pocket money in exchange for a toy, asking them: “Would you like the present”? After whistling at them first.

I crawled out of the post office, feeling like the fool I was and now live here in Roehampton. When I go in for stamps now and they say: “Would you like first class or second”, I stand there in a helpless quandary and wonder: “Am I talking to a robot? A computer? Someone talking to someone else on their mobile or have I really turned up at the railway station and will the express come thundering through at any minute”. That’s when my courage fails me and I go home and phone a friend instead. One day, if I’ve not been taken away by then, I may tell you how I came to ask a pillar box to help me over the road.