RAIN DROPS KEPT FALLING ON OUR HEADS.

Shopping and weather conditions don’t take account of one another as I’m sure you know. If it’s wet and shopping is needed it has to be done regardless.

One day my lovely Labrador, Esme, and I, were making our way to the shops in very wet weather when I was stopped by what can only be described as a fool. She very indignantly asked why Esme wasn’t wearing shoes and a coat! I, very patiently at first, proceeded to point out that all that hair which I’d have to dry on our return home was in fact a coat – A dog’s coat which is water proof and that Labradors, so named because they originate from Canada, where it’s cold enough to freeze the ‘’’’’ ah well now I’ll leave you to fill in the missing words – Means they’re quite hardy. I also pointed out that her harness, necessary for her to wear so she knows when she’s on duty, wouldn’t fit if she wore a Mac. The woman then admonished me for looking after myself by seeing to it that I wore a Mac and boots, plus hat and told me I was being cruel.

“I’ve got a right one here”,

I thought and then remembered how I’d teased the lady who came to conduct market research at my door that time. I suggested in a moment of pure folly that perhaps she would like to give me her contact details so I could save my poor guide dog from the inclement weather and then thought how very unwise it’d be to entrust my safety to someone as dippy as she obviously was.

Then I tried the “pity the poor blind woman” angle:

“What about me? No hanging upside down in a cave for me though I’m as blind as a bat. No flying either which would be quicker. No dependence on sonar like radar and highly developed echo location. How will I eat? It’s fine for you I mean you can dodge between the drops. I can’t even see to do that and they’re all falling on me – Look at ‘em! Besides that if you hadn’t nobbled me we’d have been there and back by now and Esme would be dryer than she is now”.

I had hoped that the idea of her being able to dodge between the rain drops may focus her mind away from Esme and her neglected state and would mean I’d not be reported by her to Guide Dogs or the R.S.P.C.A for animal cruelty.

When I got home we then had ten rounds with the towel. Firstly the game begins, not with the sound of the bell which brings the opposing boxers out from their corners but with the entreaty from me to:

“Shake Es”, muttered desperately outside the front door where I hope she’ll oblige rather than waiting till we get in before shaking herself all over my recently vacuumed hall carpet. Of course she shakes inside which means I’ve lost the first round. Next comes pinning me to the bath as I attempt to dry her off with her towel; rolling on her back while I’m trying to dry it; standing on the towel when I try to dry her front paws and finally licking out my ears as I kneel to avoid back injury.

The technical knock out comes as Esme pushes me to the floor and rolls on me, wagging her tail in my face and I lay there completely floored while she wags to ten and then, convinced she’s a boxer instead of a Labrador, she stands to receive her prize – A pat on the head with my hand instead of a sledge hammer which I’m too weak to lift anyway, for being a good girl and helping me bring home the bacon. The entire afternoon is spent by me, inhaling the smell of wet dog which permeates the small flat in which I live long after Esme has been dried and which provides a jarring accompaniment to my deliciously cooked meal which Jamie Oliver would be proud to eat and the staff in my old blind school taught me to cook.

The question now remains as to who is going to volunteer to spare Esme the trouble of taking me out on a wet day? Answer came there none which is why I got a guide dog in the first place. Maybe soon they’ll teach our dogs to drive and we can all keep dry. Don’t tell me! There’s a dippy old girl at the bus stop near my flat who actually thinks that would be possible! Was it you? If so, do you mind getting a taxi next time it’s wet so I can go out and come home in peace? Thanks a lot. I’m very grateful.