WHAT TO DO WHEN HAPPINESS STRATEGIES FAIL.

As you may know, on this blog I have written my own personal suggestions, developed out of necessity, in order to help you find the best chance of reaching a happy state. I am not an expert in anything but living the life I have been given and playing the hand of cards fate has dealt me but I have suffered both from physical disability which is still with me and includes total blindness and mental illness in the form of depression so maybe as a lay person I can be of help. I certainly hope so because the unbearable sadness and weight of severe depression is destructive to the spirit, painful to bear and maybe avoidable altogether in the future or at least not so severe if it does return.

It will be impossible in some cases for you to realise how ill you have become since your thinking powers and ability to see yourself clearly and to reason properly will be affected. Therefore it is essential that you do not let pride stop you from seeking medical help even if that help includes taking drugs to alleviate and cure the symptoms. You must have the same attitude as you would to the wearing of glasses or a plaster on a broken leg. Depression is a normal reaction to an abnormal load of human suffering or misfortune, often carried alone and without appropriate support or even any support. The dangerous and damaging English attitude to: “Keep it all in” and adopt a permanently stiff upper lip is probably responsible for the terrible feelings of shame you may feel about being depressed in the first place. This may seem as if I’m contradicting my earlier statements about there being people worse off and all of us needing to count our blessings. While I stand by those statements, this is only possible once you have accepted that you are ill, sought and accepted treatment and then returned to health again. While in the throes of your depression, these maxims will sound like trite and meaningless rubbish which you will, in your negative state, dismiss just as I did.

It is essential too that you must learn to cry; feel sorry for yourself without feeling guilty and learn to love yourself because unless you do this you will never be in a position to love anyone else or to empathise with them or even to laugh with joy again. Just how do you learn to love yourself when for years someone has told you that you’re worthless and inadequate; hopeless and have no redeeming features? You sit down and think of all those who have had time for you. Few of us have gone through life with absolutely nobody to care for us or have been unfortunate enough never to have been told that someone loves us. Even if you have to go way back into childhood to find them, I bet someone once told you they believed in you, that you were good at this or that at school and even perhaps that you had a lovely smile or nice hair or skin. Start from there. Then think of a reason why there was a constant person in your life who devalued you all the time. If, as in my case, it was a parent, ask yourself why this happened and tell yourself that although it was because you were told it was due to your innate worthlessness, whether in fact it was because they were transferring their inadequacy to you or whether they needed to feel better and could only do this by making you feel worse. Tell yourself anyway that they were wrong, even if at first you don’t actually believe it. Say that today, although you are feeling miserable you will get through to nightfall, having perhaps achieved the small act of eating a little something or briefly smiling at someone who speaks to you even if it takes all your effort of will and then say to yourself: “Would the worthless person I was told I am do that”? Answer: “No”. At first this will seem stupid and pointless but from this small beginning greater steps will be taken believe me.

We were not meant to live alone, cope alone or be alone. So why are we? There are lots of reasons for this. Some have to do with the fragmentation of society; our over dependence on and value and even worship of material things and possessions; our writing off of weaker and more vulnerable people as worthless and insignificant; the structure of our cities which have enormous concrete tower blocks in which to house people and the transient nature of our physical relationships and an ever faster pace of life. We are taught that to be unable to cope is a sign of weakness and moral inadequacy and failure. We are conditioned to strive for and laud physical perfection and mental stamina and wholeness and that anything which does not match up is thought of as “uncool” so it’s no wonder that we fail, fall and need help. What would be the first thing which you would do if you saw me, a blind person, trip over something and land on my back on the pavement? I’m sure you would rush to my side, give me an arm and pull me up; always assuming I hadn’t broken a leg. You need, and so do I, a mental “hand up” when the weight of our unhappiness causes us to fall spiritually and mentally.

Depression is not something to be ashamed of. Deep and heartbreaking unhappiness and feelings of utter despair and hopelessness are feelings to be admitted and not denied for fear that people will ridicule you. Years ago you would never have got me to admit to being a blind writer on this blog. I never would have had blind characters in any of my stories which are too long for it and most certainly I would never have openly talked on the radio of my experience of depression. Now, in middle age and certainly in the second half of my life I don’t care. If people want to think I’m doing it to gain sympathy that’s their prerogative. I am flawed, fragile; frightened of increasing disability, cancer and/or having a stroke and being alone for the rest of my life and do you know what? So are you and so are they. I don’t like the thought of not existing one day or of having a painful death and being dealt with harshly by impersonal strangers or thinking that I will die unloved. Neither do you and neither do they. Therefore for you to have these feelings and worries, for you to feel crushed and defeated by life is normal. Struggling stoically all on your own is not. Talk to someone and if they tell you that you need help then believe them. Don’t let the fact that you feel better in the evenings full you. You cannot get over serious depression without help and treatment.

Finally, believe that you will get better. I did not believe I would ever get better. I harboured thoughts of suicide; drank too much before becoming ill; felt too full of misery to eat; hated people being near me then wanted them to be when they weren’t; felt overwhelmed by all the suffering both of my own and on the news; then eventually walked with a white cane up to the surgery to see my doctor, the tears streaming down my face as I went. When he asked me what was wrong I said: “Everything” and burst into tears again. I did not want pills, thinking that people’s affection and company would help but I took them all the same because I trusted him enough to believe I’d not get better without them. I also had six weeks’ counselling but don’t personally have that high an opinion of that, due to the guy who gave it to me who I consider to have made rude and offensive remarks during my last session but that’s just my opinion of it and it may work for you so try it if it’s suggested.

Now I am cheerful and happy again despite still being blind and having a bit of a painful back and having had something wrong with my feet for months. I believe in you though I don’t know you simply because I know how much the human spirit can overcome. I’ve seen it time and time and time again. I know I’m no better than you are and would lay odds on your return to full health again providing you accept yourself as you are, admit that you are ill and need help and then accept it. Most of all you must reject and disregard the opinions of those who have told you that you’re worthless and not loveable you’re not. Like me you’re just flawed and frightened though it’s probable that you are sighted.

When you are well again, then and only then, will my recipe for happiness have any chance of working for you. If it doesn’t, find your own and stick to it for your personality may not be the same as mine. Depression will hold you as securely as any lover but it is not your lover. Instead it is a cruel prison with barbed wire arms which will shred you into little bits if you don’t gently let others disentangle you and bind up your wounds. I promise you that you will heal. You will heal and feel again, love and laugh again and find some joy in life again but it takes courage which I can’t give you but which you must find from within yourself. I hope I have helped you. Please let others do so too.